Kersten k's Inner Mind Theatre and Other Oddities

I've moved!! Come check it out..

www.kerstenk.blog.com

 

I just can't believe it.

I can't believe this is happening!  I've had this blogs for a long time now and it has developed into a space unlike any other.  To have to pick up and move it all away is kinda shocking.  Like many other Voxers, I have shared pieces of myself on here that not even my best friends know about.  Ugh.  Over the next few days I will be setting up a new blog somewhere and porting all of my posts to that site.  I guess the best way to do this is to ask any/ all of my vox friends/ect. to send me their info if they want to keep in touch.  I will write more a little later when my thoughts have had time to really gather. 

Fuck.  I REALLY, REALLY like you Vox.  I'm sad to see you go. xo.

<3 K

...

Just Breathe

Thanks Twitter Feed

I saw this on my twitter feed a few days ago and it really struck me.  It's so blunt and rough around the edges, but perfect.  Everything I really feel and want.

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."

I had a really shitty day.  Yest. and Monday were great, but today sucked bc I accidentally left my notes for a presentation at home and I ended up being 15 mins. late.  I felt like an idiot.  This week is insane and I just wish I had someone to come home to and give/get affection from.  I try not to think about being lonely bc it just makes doing my school work and functioning harder..today I need it though..some affection.  :(   blahh. siiigggh.

I guess something good did come out of today though.  I joined the Savannah Adventure Club!  I had mentioned to a friend in my class about how I have been wanting to go hiking and kayaking, ect but didn't have anyone to go with and she told me about SAC.  I couldn't believe that there was a club for this stuff, pretty cool.  Soooo..that's exciting..well, if I can make time for it. lol.  I will.  Beach volleyball is soon and I think a Kayaking trip this coming month..  i'm nervous about going alone bc generally people that go frequently have their groups established and I dunno..I'm being overly worrisome about it.  I'm sure people will be welcoming and who knows maybe I can talk someone into going with me to the first activity.  Yay for new/non-school/exciting/ stuff!

I should stay up and do homework but after that class :l .....I'm calling it a night.  I hope tomorrow is better.

<3,
K

It's early and late at the same time

It's too early to talk to anyone, and yet late for me because I've been up all night working on my thesis introduction.  I have about 10 books stacked on my bed that I've been scanning and grabbing ideas and information out of 4 pgs that needs to be 7 or 8.  I love my topic and have found a passion in putting together the puzzle and finding which pieces are missing and how I propose to fix it.  I'll talk about my thesis later, but for now I'm breaking to free my mind of it for a little bit. 

I'm really, really ,really looking forward to the holiday break.  I'm excited first and foremost for that moment- the moment that I get to walk into my home home (otherwise known as the rents house that I grew up in-lol.)  I can't speak for other people, but in my life home home trumps all others.  In fact, until I have a family of my own, home home will always be that place where every stress melts away, every barrier comes down, and in that first minute or two I feel entirely comforted.  I still don't miss Tulsa or Oklahoma, but I'm excited to see my Mom & Dad and hug them.  To be honest, I haven't been talking to my parents hardly at all ( I think a total of 4 times max. since I've been here) so that hug is going to be really important.  I've avoided my Dad's convos bc he has this way of getting to the heart of me and  after all the help and things he and my mom have done for me I don't want him to think that I'm ungreatful or not focused on my work, but now looking back I wish I had called him to talk in the shitty times like Neena.  The fact that I know how great it will be to have those talks with him and let him advise me, further confirms one major thing that I've always known about myself, but wasn't crystal clear with until I moved to GA.  This has been a trying expirence for me, mostly because no matter how I try to "tough" my way out of it- I'm a people person extreme.  I found without a shadow of a doubt, that people in my life and my relationships with them is what is most important to me and how I view my life and the happiness in it- which I know is sucky lol.  It isnt' that I'm dependant on them for happiness in the sense that I need them to always cheer me up or take care of me. It's more about connecting and on some level being that maternal person lol..the adivce giver, the motivator, the shoulder to cry on..it's no wonder that I loved working in a damn daycare. ha.  I can't help it though, I've always been this way.  Sometimes I wish I were more like my sister, we are so opposite in personality its fuuny, even more funny is how we balance each other out, which I love.  Kaity is so detached and methodical about everything.  It's not that she's not emotional, she has her moments, but at the same time Kaity could live on an island alone or worse in a prison where everyone hated her/calls her names/ostrisizes her and she wouldn't even flinch <-well, metaphorically speaking. The greatest part about my sister's personality is that it isn't a front either.  She really just doesn't care either way and if you want an opinion on something she will give factual reasons to build an answer on.  My sister has that component to not have need for anyone in her life-ever and is free of emotional fulfillment and I envy it sometimes.  My life would be so much easier if I didn't need those things, if those didn't have to be the driving forces that get me up in morning.  To have a heart and mind that can sit quietly uninterrupted by the loud color of worry and lonliness. 

The worst of the worst though, the most detrimental thing that I realized, that scares me:    Is that I don't think in the long term (I'm talking 15-20 yrs. from now) that even if I had my gallery and was a well established dealer/appraiser who traveled the world and did small business/non-profit ventures on the side.  I could have my dream career, but if I didn't have a family to share it with....than I would rather be dead.  Yeah.  It scares me that I know that.  It doesn't do any good to worry about it and if that is meant to happen for me than I know it will happen and I certainly will not give up looking, but I know that in my heart I wouldn't make it, atleast not for long.  The way I see it, it's pointless. Really, whats the point? Why work so hard?  Why clean the house everyday? Why make dinner? So I can eat it alone? So I can see clearly just how untouched/unlived in my house is? Why celebrate holidays if I have no children to sing to or rap presents for, or a husband to dress up with and scare little trick-o-treaters together.  My life means nothing to me if I can't expierence it with loved ones.  Living here has made this all the more real and terrifying.  I'm working all night sometimes to get my masters and when it's all said and done who is to say it will be worth it? I fight to stay happy, but all I can feel is sadness and pray that I find what I need for fulfillment.  Not just the art job, but a family of my own- a home that I belong to and when my kids come home from school a home that they look forward to experiencing that moment too, where there isn't any other place in the world more comforting, loving, safe, supportive.  I watch my closest friends start their lifes with new homes, babies, marriages, and I feel like I am stuck against my will in a time that's on pause.  I shouldn't compare my life to my peers, but it's hard not to when slowly one by one they all cross over to that side of adulthood and I don't want to miss out on something that I now know can't indefenintely live without. I must sound so pathetic or stupid  for saying all of this.   I know I'm being negative, but what if I deserve this?  What if this is what I've sewn? What if after all of this self talk the truth is that I'm not worthy of that kind of love..connection..purpose.  That sadness I want so badly to disappear.  The screaming colors of aches and longings to fade away into grey.  Waiting with baited breathe for that moment when I hug my Dad and I surrender over my tears and hope that atleast for one minute I can experience life through my sister's eyes. The beauty of vacant nothing.

Loving my Day Off! Finally..sheesh!

A few funny things for today..

Durex Commercial

Beauty and the Beast SNL

HAHAHA.. ASS CASTLE.  I'm doing NOTHING today and it's freakin' wonderful!  A first in a looooong time!  Well, I have a lecture to attend for class that isn't mandatory..but I'll probably go anyways.  The best part about today is that I actually got some real sleep!  My insomnia mixed with school work out the ass hasn't been doing much for me.  The other night I can home after pulling my all nighter.. I slept for about 3 hours and woke up around 2 or 3 and just laid in bed awake the rest of the night.. it was aweful!   But- on the upside, I'm well rested now and taking it easy..soooo yay.

Hope everyone else is having a good day too!

<3,
Kersten ^^)

Somewhere I belong..

Some days I can't help but think:

Is there anywhere that I really belong?? It may just be my perspective that needs changing, but I feel like no matter where I go I seem to stick out, and it's not like my clothing, or something obvious like that.. I dunno, I can't really put my finger on it.  **I realize I'm probably just being sensitive today and therefore taking this out of context, but back home I never, never really felt like I fit Tulsa.  So far, I have been totally right about that fact!  I lived in Tulsa my entire life and have substantial roots there- family, friends, ect.  Tulsa just seemed to not have what I needed to really grow artistically and in the scope of life experience I def. think it hindered what I have always wanted and dreamed about. 

On the other hand, Savannah is beautiful and unique and like a little Art World Bubble- well, if you are a SCAD kid that is. I love it for this reason, and the location/opportunities so far have been awesome!  The weirdest part has been making close friends! I have a hard time even understanding what I might be doing wrong.  Am I approaching people the wrong way? Am I being too forward?  Am I not putting enough out there?  I really don't know!  It's fucking frustrating bc it isn't as if I'm not trying!  ughhh.  I'm not really sad about it, I'm just determined!! I want to make this place while I'm here the best experience I can- and I don't want to give up.  I just hope that at some point in time, if not in Savannah- then wherever I move to next that I really and truly find my place in this world- People and or person that I click with.  (At this point, I'm really hoping that there are aliens out there in the galaxy and that they come to Earth- maybe I'll fit in with them ;P  I kid. I kid.)   This is my theme for today and this past couple of weeks really:

linkin park somewhere i belong official music video

 

I forgot how powerful LP used to be..well, and still is.  Chester is fucking incredible. I STILL have my best workouts to this cd!

 Still, I completely relate to this feeling he brings out in the song.  This anger of trying and seeming to fail each time and with each fall feeling the emptiness of those losses, that taste of rejection or being misunderstood or sometimes not being seen at all.  A constant search for that peace of mind and to feel a sense of wholeness. To be " known" and to be "understood" and most importantly to be liked because of these things, both the good and bad parts.  Of course, the opposite is just as important. I've never really cared much for acquaintances- they are good for networking/work situations, but who are those people really? They come and go so easily and never in that span of "friendship" do they ever really know me or I them?? For that matter, really care about me?  I for them??  Even in the sorority when I lived with 40 other girls that I call my "sisters," we were all friends, but I didn't feel close to most of them and truthfully I know they don't give a damn about me, not then, certainly not now.   I'd rather have a small group and/or a person that I know I can trust and really show myself to- underneath my humor, underneath my awkwardness, underneath it all- where just being is enough.  I want to be able to see this in someone else as well.  To be trusted and to see them completely- to be that support and that person that they know they don't have pretend to be happy around when they're not- it's ok to not be ok, ya know? Where things can be fucked up, your true opinions and most fucked up thoughts are safe to share and kept by that person/those people.  I want that in friendship.  I can only hope that I find it in Savannah and the sooner the better!  I hope to find friendship that strives to make each person better, is strong despite fights or distance or faults, doesn't care about status, is real, unabashed, forgiving, "just clicks" and best of all is fun! :)  Basically, a friend a lot like Casee. LOL  

Well on to the current Friend Issues:  George

George is really cool and I think he will be a really great person to know, the only problem is that I am pretty sure he really likes me <-- which totally blows! I want a good guy friend here in Savannah and at first that's what I thought was happening, but we went to see Zombieland Friday night and he insisted on buying my ticket and then bought popcorn and the drinks, that wasn't so bad (Erik and some of my other guy friends buying me stuff and it's no big) until I noticed today that every time I see him he tells me I look pretty. I don't know what to do with that except maybe let him down gently.  I have to be honest, I'm not looking forward to talking to him about it bc I love hanging out with him and don't want him to not want to hang out just bc I'm not interested in him like that. :L   I'm probably jumping the gun here, but he plays soccer twice a week outdoors with his friends and then plays indoor during the winter season and he said that we could start our own team which would kick SO much ass!!!!  Also, he already invited me to his friends Halloween party- which as of right now- I have NO plans! :(   Halloween is my family's favorite holiday, and this is the first year to be away from my parents and all the usual crazy family traditions.  It has been making me kinda sadface to even think that I might be spending Halloween sitting at home alone, which I pretty much refuse to let happen!  Sooo..hopefully if not George's party then something with one of the girls I already mentioned. 

What to do??  I just feel bad.  He has been treating me so great and has been filling the void of my best friends that I'm missing and the newest hole that Neena is leaving.  I mentioned that I wanted to go to a haunted house and carve pumpkins, but wanted a pumpkin from a pumpkin patch because it's so much more fun that way! lol.  I haven't had any luck though in finding a pumpkin patch anywhere and George told me today that he found one that we can go to on Tuesday and then also said that he knows of a great haunted house that we can go to later this week after we play soccer with his friends and after we carve pumpkins with my sister & Garrett!  <-- See!!  He's going to all of this trouble for me, it's obvious huh?  I feel like a douche!! In a way, I wish I were attracted to him- he would make the best/sweetest boyfriend, but nonetheless, not interested AT ALL like that. ...SIGH....

I don't want to mislead him and I want to maintain an awesome friendship, totally blows!   When should I say something?  Or should I not?

 

I'll write more later and possibly post my photo shop and illustrator projects, but most likely not tonight bc I'm gonna have yet another all nighter until 8am when I have my first class of the day and then more working until my 2 pm and thank freakin' baby Jesus I don't have my 5 pm class tomorrow so as soon as I finish class and turn my photo shop assignment in- I'm going straight to bed!! These all nighters are seriously killer!  >x^p

love,
K

Short Term Goals

1) Start a new indoor soccer team with George or join a coed one for winter season.

2) Get a job!  <--I can't believe I still havent! dumb!

3) Run everyday!

4) Get to bed at a decent hour (unlike right now!)

5) work on my painting for my parents xmas gift

6) network!!

7) email and call the appraiser in South Carolina for apprenticeship

8) Check on weekend coming up getaway!

9) Buy a new bike seat to replace the stolen one! BTW, who steals JUST the seat??? It's not even anything fancy! wft?

10) Continue to work on not being awkward!! I dunno why I do it either! It's so stupid..I make things that shouldn't be awkward..unbelievably..well, AWKWARD! grrrr.  I think if I ever meet a guy that can make a situation that I started to accidentally make uncomfortable suddenly NOT uncomfortable with I dunno..a joke or something?  <- Yeah. LOL. I will say this.. Marry me?  Then, he will stare at me blankly and then we will resume to awkwardness again. hahaha.  jk. jk.  It is a problem though, and it has become second nature almost- it's a bad habit that I am working on breaking!  Guess I gotta stick to it! Such a dumb habit huh?? lmao.

11) Find a friend group!!  I never ever thought that this would take so long! It's bizarre! I get along with people great, I just haven't yet seemed to meet a group of people that I really, really, really click with. Ya know, the types that you just call up randomly to talk, go do something at the last minute, or call for advice.  I have a few good acquaintances (ie- Whitney, George, Diana, Kathrine, and Garrett; although Garrett I met through my sister)  that may turn into good friendships, but I dunno yet.  Neena and I haven't spent much time together, and looking back at everything I think it's for the best.  I really like her and think she's a great person, but with what happened it just made me see everything differently and I want to find other friends that will be better in the long run.   

There are more that were in my brain..I need to sleep bc I forgot them  =S   damnit. 

Tonight before the 10 drunken phone calls I received from back home and while doing homework haha..this happened lol:

playing around...

break from doing homework

Ok,Ok..I'm off to bed!  Good night world.

<3,

K

I just love this line-

"It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep because my dreams are bursting at the seams"  <3 <3

This song makes me smile and want to go lay in the grass looking at the stars. ^^)

grrrr..

 All I'm gonna say is that being.. ehhhhh..frustrated is the fucking worst!  ...and school is kicking my ass!  Ummm..yep.  That's it.  I can't really concentrate today. Bad, bad thoughts swarming my brain.. go away..grrrrr  lol. Blahhhhh.  

 K